Very Important Questions

Hi.

Sometimes when I'm traveling I spend too much time alone.

Because I am a book nerd and borderline narcoleptic, this doesn't bother me much. As my mother will tell you, I am pretty content just to sit and zone out sometimes (unlike other members of our family). This doesn't always work so well when combined with my hearing issues because sometimes people think I am ignoring them or sleeping with my eyes open, which is creepy.

Anway, the trouble with too much solitary time is that I often have too much time to think. And this usually results in me having a lot of unanswered questions.

When I am at home, I ask Katie a lot of questions, and about 97% of the time she knows the answer. She knows a shocking amount of information about technology, food, clothes, literature, music, and dealing with a roommate who fluctuates between being somewhat needy and overwhelmingly excitable. So in other words, she knows a lot about motherhood, too.

I think she should start some type of hotline. I see a great career opportunity happening here.

Sadly, there are many times when Katie is not at my beck and call and a lot of thoughts begin to roll around in my head. Oh, and in case you are starting to get worried, I do actually talk to other humans from time to time. Katie just knows the most and lives with me.

This is a really good example of me having friends. And being sober.

I thought I would share some of the particular questions that have arisen during my 4 weeks straight of work-travel in the hopes that one of you fine people can provide me with some answers.

Let's begin:

1. Who are the Kardashians? I know I am late on this trend but it still really confuses me. Why are they famous? Am I supposed to be really mad about her wedding too? Because mostly I am just wondering why they are talking about it. Am I supposed to care the most about Kim or are the other ones equally as important? Are they the same as Paris Hilton? I still don't get her, either.

"Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants 

2. What ever happened to the whole clapper-light trend? I really thought they were onto something there. This thought came to me last night at 10 PM when I got to my hotel room and couldn't find the light. Being submerged in darkness really makes you wish you could just clap your hands and make light magically appear. Especially when you accidentally walk into a shower.

I think the infomercial community got too busy making these.

They are practical because you don't have to take them off to go to the bathroom. Like all good things.

3. Do people really get asked out by total strangers in broad daylight? On shows like Friends they make it seem perfectly normally for a random guy to approach you in a coffee shop and ask you on a date and the person almost always goes. This would terrify me! There are over 8 million people currently living in New York City. How do you know that this guy isn't a serial killer or a cat owner or somebody who thinks it's acceptable to wear socks with sandals?

I once got asked out by a guy in the elevator of a bookstore but he was probably sniffing glue before that or something.

If you've had any life-changing experiences with a hottie who tried to pick up the same apple as you at Trader Joe's, please let me know.

4. Do you like egg nog? I've had two people recently rave about it to me. I was under the impression it was one of those things that everybody hates, but still exists anyways, like Crocs or prunes. I've never had it before.

One nog-lover excitedly told me, "It's like pure fat!." Mmm.

5. If you are a professional football player, do you watch all the other professional football games, to see what you're up against? Or are you sick of football? When you see your own games do you feel self-conscious about how your butt looks in stretchy pants?

6. Do male stewards feel discriminated against? I've seen a lot of them lately. I try to give them a look of understanding to reaffirm their masculinity.

7. Why do people always press the elevator button when it is already lit up? Are they impatient or are do they just like pressing the button like they did when they were little?

I just have the opposite problem sometimes, which is that I am often so tired that I stand in the elevator for about 2 minutes before I realize I haven't pressed a button and am therefore not moving.

Also, I saw a woman holding a pineapple in the elevator the other day. At a hospital. Not really sure what that was about.

8. What's the deal with clogs these days? Are they "in" again? It sort of seems like they are but I'm not really sure...it still seems like they might be limited to nurses and art teachers. Or me circa 1997, which is about the last time clogs were acceptable to wear. Either that or I was not in style as an 8-year-old, which is highly doubtful.


These could double as a method of self-defense. As long as they didn't fling off as you were try to do a karate-kick.

9. Does anybody actually want to see this movie? It looks horribly depressing. Like some type of emotional hell. I would estimate me watching this movie would be like the P.S. I Love You disaster of '07 times about five.

I have more questions but I'm going to stop now because I feel that this is quickly turning into a list of unimportant ramblings rather than thoughtful musings.  You feel that way too, don't you? I am going home tomorrow and my next trip will be more interesting. Plus Katie will be with me so hopefully she'll take care of these things before they get released to the public.